The Lord, like Clarence Thomas' ethics and Paul Ryan's relationship with the truth about health care reform, works in mysterious ways... unless, of course, you know how to understand Him.
Recently, God, acting as the ultimate SuperPAC (sorry, Stephen Colbert!) endorsed Michele Bachmann for president, while at the same time closing the door on Mike Huckabee's ambitions.
Why would God choose Bachmann over Huckabee? God certainly doesn't choose based on such superficial qualities as looks, or an ability to understand which camera is on you, or the need to keep your high-paying FOX gig; God, I'm sure, votes on the issues, which God almost certainly has a pretty good grasp of, because in Heaven, FOX News is on every channel, in return for which, FOX News makes sure to promote Heaven at every opportunity.
What can we learn about where God stands on the issues from Bachmann's recent win in what can best be described as "The God Caucus?" I think the question bears examining, because if we're to do God's (as opposed to Donald Trump's) work then we should know what God thinks about things like Health Care Reform, and judicial nominees.
Note that in the following examination of God's stance on the issues, I am not purporting to give Jesus', or The Holy Ghost's stance on those issues. As far as I know, only 1/3 of the Trinity has weighed in thus far, and everyone knows that Jesus typically doesn't endorse until after South Carolina.
In the following, I'll note what God's well-known views have been from time immemorial, and what his apparent new views are now that he's publicly endorsed Michele Bachmann.
God's old stance: “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," a decidely proletarian view.
God's Current Position: Make it easier for the middle class to get to Heaven by keeping them from ever getting rich; God's Chosen Candidate, Bachmann, voted to impose the "Alternative Minimum Tax" on middle class taxpayers in 2009.
Not familiar with the "Alternative Minimum Tax"? That's why God chose Bachmann and not you. But let me help you:
The AMT is a separately figured tax that eliminates many deductions and credits, thus increasing tax liability for an individual who would otherwise pay less tax.
That's from the IRS website. So God picked Michele Bachmann because Bachmann voted to increase tax liability for the middle class.
Now you know why you weren't raptured: You made too much money. Looked at that way, Bachmann was just trying to help you get to Heaven by impoverishing you.
Aid To Farmers:
God's Old Stance: "Be not deceived. God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." While probably more of a philosophical stance, it suggests that God wants farmers to do okay.
God's New Stance: Screw you, farmers. Bachmann voted against overriding a 2008 farm bill veto by then-President Bush. That is, Bachmann wanted to kill the farm bill, which was described as a
five-year measure [which] continues and in some cases expands traditional farm subsidies, and it is stuffed with billions of dollars of new money for anti-hunger programs, conservation programs, fruit and vegetable growers, and the biofuels industry. Dairy farmers will get as much as $410 million more over 10 years to cover higher feed costs.
Both the House and the Senate voted to override the veto in overwhelming numbers, with many Republicans voting to do the right thing (for once.)
Bachmann's not always against farm subsidies: she's taken in a quarter-million in payments from the federal government (gasp!) for a farm she owns.
But presumably, God's okay with those.
God's Old Stance: "Seek peace, and pursue it. (Proverbs 34:14)." And: “Scatter the peoples who delight in war."
God's New Stance: Let's kill us some Iraqis! Bachmann voted against pulling troops out of Iraq in 90 days or less, preserving funding for the discretionary use of military in Iraq for combat purposes.
4,454 U.S. soldiers have died in Iraq so far. Only 226 of those deaths have occurred since President Obama was inaugurated. But before you condemn her, remember that Michele Bachmann played a direct role in letting 4,454 brave U.S. soldiers get up to Heaven way earlier than they otherwise would have. No wonder God chose her!
On the Use Of Religion To Further One's Own Ends:
God's Old Stance: “If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain.”
God's New Stance: Um. Hard to say. He didn't say anything about women doing that, after all.
Not that I'm necessarily qualified to comment on this at all; I almost never go to Church. But there is one final quote from her Most Public Supporter that Michele Bachmann may want to become familiar with:
“I will deal with them according to their conduct, and by their own standards I will judge them”